PART 1
So, Hi, a long absence needs some explaining perhaps?
This post and perhaps a few more if I don't have time to tell my story, comes from the heart, no bullshit, truth and honesty all the way.
Perhaps it will help someone, perhaps someone will relate, but if not, so what! it will damn sure help me to get it out!
POST COMP COME DOWN
I was totally and utterly over the moon about how my comp day went.
I went into the comp as I vowed I would, having given everything I could to both my training and diet.
I enjoyed EVERY minute. My hubby was proud, Sam was pleased with me, I was pleased with myself and all I had given, I placed 2nd, won best routine, what more could I ask for??
Nothing.
Surely now I had achieved what I wanted to, I had stuck to a plan for 16 weeks, 16 whole weeks, I could continue with my new found discipline, my new found control.
NO, I couldn't.
In the days following the comp I found myself down, tearful, questioning could I have given more and worse of all BINGEING EXCESSIVELY.
After a week or so I tried to reign it in and get back on track as it was my intention to go on and compete in the WA STATE comp.
Surely I could get my shit together and get back on track, I had just done it for 16 Bloody weeks, what the hell is wrong with me?
A week turned into 2, then 3, I was fighting myself every minute, every hour, every day to get back to clean eating.
The weeks were slipping by and the WA state comps getting closer, so back to Sam went, fully clothed and refusing to take any off!! She looked at me and told me that I looked fine and we can make it.
BUT how can the Shar I see in the mirror differ to what everyone else is seeing, coz I'm seeing some weak willed, fat, bloated, out of control individual.
I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper and there was no-one who could possibly help me up again.
I felt exactly the same, if not worse then I did at my biggest of 100kg. The feelings were painful and still are.
I felt / feel pathetic, weak, disgusted and useless.
I believed in Sam and got back on track with my food, still fighting daily. But, the commitment and desire just wasn't there.
I sat down with Paul and decided that I was wanting to compete in this comp for the wrong reasons.
ALSO, very important to me is to be TRUE TO MYSELF. I promised myself if I ever went on to do a second, third, fourth comp I would always aim to step onstage in better condition than the last comp, I would not have been able to keep this promise to myself , so for that and the other reasons, I decided not to compete at the WA STATES. I am gutted but know deep down it is the right decision.
So to sum up, a fantastic ending (the comp) to a long journey (16 weeks comp prep) but a real mental beating after comp. I cannot fully explain what this has done to mentally, but I will have a fully planned after comp routine for my next comp and one thing I do know is that I will make it through this, I just have to find the belief in myself again.
Believe in yourself and
all that you are.
Know that there is
something inside you
greater than any obstacle.
Christian D Larson
Shar x
20 comments:
My god Shar you are an amazing woman - and your post was so powerfuL. I have no doubt you will achieve everything you want in life as you have the strength to see things for what they are, find the positive out if it and then grow it into something incredible -I cant wait to hear about your next journey - you are a true inspiration xxx
Hi Shar;
i have heard of many elite athletes going through post comp problems similar to what you experienced; so i guess it's pretty normal. we can be our own worsed enemies.
i have followed your journey through your blog ad have ben amazed and inspired. what you achieved is mind blowing.
GL Shar - and congrats for all u achieved and the impact you've made on others; ur a true champ.
take care
kat
Hi Shar :-)
Im hoping you fell good about blogging this. It is nice to get to know your true character, strong, motivated, inspiring and honest.
I have to add "smart" to that list because you were able to see what was right for you and made the best decision to not do the WA States.
What you went through is what many athletes go through. It does however get easier down the track, thats the good news!
Keep posting.
Deb
Hi Shar,
I have been discussing exactly what you have posted with my hubby. I'm terified that I will do what you have done. The whole self loathing and worrying stressing about what I'm eating the binging. Thankyou for posting because now I dont feel insane for having these thoughts and feelings already. Stay strong and do whats best for you.
Kie xx
Sorry to hear you went through this bump in your journey, However sounds like you are getting on top of it and are doing what is best for you Shar, and that I believe is what really I matters. You are incredibly inspiring person who has accomplished amazing things, and you know what is best for you.
Ali xxx
hey shar....you're definitely not alone there with your feelings. i've gone through it myself now that i'm not competing again this year and i'm sure others have as well. enjoy some down time and you will come back bigger and better next year! xo
Not that this is any constalation but this all sounds normal for a figure competitor after her first competition. A sad realisation but true. But on a positive, it does get easier each competition you do and you're not alone. Congratulations on being brave enough to go public about it, many don't. We're here for you IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, just ask. :o) xx
Hello gorgeous Shar
First of all thank you so much for being brave enough to share. Second, never ever forget how far you have come, that is truly inspirational. You have inspired so many, including me, and you continue to do so. Go easy on yourself. Comp prep is so demanding and it seems to take so much out of a competitor both physically and mentally. Shar you are a strong, brave and beautiful person.
Continue to shine Shar, believe in yourself. I believe you will continue to make decisions that are true to your soul.
Love
Jodie
xx
Thanks for sharing Shar.
I saw you compete and I thought you looked awesome! I think I understand what you are going through- although I havent managed to compete at all yet, but the dieting and mindgames has put me off track since I have been aiming to compete.
I hope things start looking back up again for you!
Melanie
Dear Shar
I think you've made the right decision. YOu only step up onto stage for one day, but it's learning to live with the leaner body day in day out that is much more challenging, especially considering where you (and I ) have come from weight wise. Take it easy, chica. One day at a time. It does get better though.
Hugs
Liz n
Hey Shar,
Never forget how far you have come, how much you have achieved and how many lives you have inspired. You are truly amazing and I have no doubt that you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get ready for your next challenge - what ever that may be.
Although you may have binged after your comp ended (who wouldn't??), you are only human - you will find the strength to get through this.
Take it easy and stay positive - one day at a time
xoxox
Lauren
OMG Shar, I can relate to your post. This kind of thing happened to me after finishing my challenge and having photos - and I wasn't even in a comp. I always thought I'd be a lot stronger, but no. Thank you so much for sharing, I know it would have been really hard to do so.
I am going to take my inspiration from you as I think about comp next year, and am hoping to maybe do something different after the comp to avoid the binge out. Don't really know what that is, but I am hoping to find out!
All the best
Carolyn
Oh hun it happens to everyone. I just hope you get back on track and reach the rest of your goals!! One down, one million to go right! Take some time to just get back to earth and then just keep on going with it.
On another note, I joined Fitness First in Innaloo today, so hello my new sexy abs!!!!
Hi Shar,
Thanks for your honesty. You are absolutely not alone with your experiences - I think it happens to more people than we realise it is just that not many people really talk about it. Like you I have felt exactly the same thing after every comp and I've done 3 now. It hasn't got any easier for me although I am getting better as time goes on. Hang in there and be good to yourself. Our perspectives post comp are often very different to reality and it can take time to settle down to some level of normality. Stay positive, Nic
This post was so powerfull, I have goosebumps! I'll be competing for the first time in November in figure...and I'll be carefull to remember your post when I get the blues afterwards! Thanks xxx!
Wow Shar, what an amazing roller coaster ride you've been on. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I think its natural to feel a bit lost afterwards when you've prepared for something as big as a comp. I admire you so much for everything you have achieved and will achieve!
Hilary xx
Hey Shar
I am really sorry that this has happened to you. For inspiration you prob won't wanna read this reply from me, just say I empthasize with you loads! Skip to the last paragraph if ya like!
I can't offer any specific advice as I've done a VERY similar thing myself, (I confess that's why I've been a bit ashamed to go to Body Attack these last few weeks). I was being no where near as strict as you obviously and training intensely 30-60 mins 5-6 days a week was enough for me, - 4 cardio or so and 2 resistance. I was happy with my effort of putting all into my training. I was on a high, loving the lifestyle and got down to, - dammit only 3kg off TARGET ONE for me, (T1 being 68kg and 25% BF with waist under 30 inches). So I got to 71kg, waist 30.5 inches, 70% good habits, (still had wine and beer too much) felt high, was getting fitter, like nothing would stop me! Insert sugar, being slack, bingeing and I gain 2.5kg in a few days. 2.5kg might as well have been 25kg for how it felt. Í tell myself I'll start a NEW CHALLENGE next Mon or tomorrow A few days turned into a few weeks and cause I yoyoed lots in past it piled on fast. Now I'd estimate to be 83-85kg and fit size 14-16 and no where near the 11 and 12's of 71kg and fitness performance has dropped off heaps in everything. I got to the end of week 9 of my challenge, but did do a good practice 3 weeks before the starting date.
I don't talk about it at work, a few weeks ago was getting positive comments once again all round, felt great. Last week I mentioned buying a new dress for a function, (had to as I threw out all fat clothes). That slipped out when talking to work colleagues. THEN I got loads of suggestions: - DON'T TRAIN SO HARD, IT's NOT SUSTAINABLE, DO WEIGHTWATCHERS, WALKING TWICE A WEEK IS ENOUGH. PFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think and change the subject quick! I do enjoy the training and love healthy food and when in good mind set don't want or crave junk or sugar.
Anyway Shar, I'm sure your story is no where near that bad, you may have gained a few kg's from where you were on comp day, did some relaxed eating, (like many do year round) but I'm confident you still look TOPZ and FIT to the rest of us. Most importantly, YOU GAVE YOUR ALL for the WHOLE duration of you first comp prep and you achieved great! Not many people at all do that, - and that is something to be very proud of and pass down to many future generations! They will love to see your photos and will be amazed!
Pip xoxox
Shar you are truly amazing and have blown us all away with how much you have achieved! Thank you for your honesty as I know I have felt similar at times. Even now looking better than I have in years I can't seem to see myself the way that others do. I have now decided to focus on improving how I see myself rather than constantly striving for the perfect physique. As even if I achieved it, I still don't think I would truly be happy. Good luck with your journey Shar and remember to take time to see how far you have come!
We seem to lose track of who we really are after we become so 'lean and mean' for the stage. We all know that is not maintainable, and any extra we carry after being so lean feels like 20kg. Like others have said Shar, it does get easier. For some reason after our first comp we seem to think we will be invinceable and this is how we should and could look, year round. Not so! We think everyone is judging us when we put on a few kg. Again, not so - and if they do they have no idea. Keep positive thoughts Shar - you know you can do it when you want to. Give yourself a break. I know how it feels to feel out of control, but trust me, you will get that back. it's almost like an initiation, something you just 'have to go through'. You will survive, and be all the better for it :)
x
Shar I understand partly I think how you feel it sounds very similar to my own destructive thought process. But it can truely turn around yet again and you can be the person you want to be.
Huge hugs hun!
BTW I saw you in Team Talk - it's good of them to have some recognition for our staff's accomplishments
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