Disclaimer
I do totally know that there are people out there worse off than me, people that are sick and poorly, people that are going through stressful situations, people that have had a loved one taken from them etc.
I do know that what I’m about to post will seem minor to some.
I do know and fully acknowledge how lucky I am. I have a gorgeous husband who really does love me unconditionally and ALWAYS tries to help me, my children are truly a gift to me and I am very lucky to have been chosen to guide them, I have a mum who has taught me a lot, whom I love dearly and has so many qualities I aspire to, my sister and best friend Nicola who I just adore & have been blessed to have a part of my world.
SO, when reading this please remember I started this blog to record MY journey, my thoughts, I promised to always be honest with what I write.
I was going to shut my blog down but feel that I have learnt so much from you wonderful group of bloggers over the last two years it would be a shame to do that.
I also find this a very useful tool in my life with regards to being able to ‘talk’. I am apart from my family. I can talk to Paul but there are only so many times I can burden him with the same thing over and over.
So I find in great to just type my feelings sometimes.
(Inserted after finished typing!)
WARNING – Long post, lots of ramble but it feels good.
So here goes…………..
I have felt like this before and it scares me.
The last time I felt like this I was 100kg and probably at my lowest point.
Since comp, 19 whole weeks ago now, I have been training consistently but have only had 6 weeks in total of eating well, a block of 4 weeks and another block of 2 weeks.
I have constantly been fighting myself, I feel totally lost, totally out of control, total embarrassed, disgusted, weak, inferior to name but a few feelings.
I have spent my life (in my eyes) not quite being good enough, feeling the lesser one, I always think people are judging me, never feeling I deserve to just find that place, that even keel, its almost like I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t struggling.
Some of you will know my history with my body image / weight, some wont but without going into it, it’s a long history of yo-yoing to extremes.
My life has been about weight and how I look. I don’t like it like this but I am just not happy being overweight yet I allow myself to lose and gain in a repeated cycle.
If you are saying’ ‘oh god, suck it up and get on with it’or ‘there are more important things’ then please know that if I could control this I would. Those that have been there and been consumed by something similar will relate, but maybe you are just not a repeat offender, I unfortunately have been
I feel I am at rock bottom again, I’m the heaviest I’ve been since we arrived in Australia and need to lose 11kg.
Although I’m just hanging in there and stopping getting to the point where I won’t be able to get back up easily, I feel more hate, more disgust, more embarrassment than ever before. I feel very sad right now.
I clearly have underlying issues and have started to look into getting these dealt with by someone outside my circle. This will take time.
In the meantime I decided to write this, in the hope I can release it as I have just been bottling everything up until today I just broke down.
This is neither healthy for me or my precious family.
My husband brought it home to me today when he said ‘you have to realize that it is not only you that is affected, in a round about way it affects Maddi and Bryce. I just want to help you and you are doing your health no good’.
Whenever I have made a change before, I have made the decision, made the choice not to be this way anymore and I have succeeded, I read my whole comp prep today, that is just one example of when the decision is made.
This time I just haven’t been able to find the switch and it has remained very dark.
Perhaps getting this off my chest, admitting that if I don’t make a change again I may not be able to claw my way out.
I have to find the belief in myself.
Shar x
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19 comments:
Dear Shar,
I'm sorry you are feeling so lousy. I can speak from personal experience about adjusting to a huge weight loss and then a competition.
Anyone that bounces around after a comp and tells you that the post comp weight gain and feelings is a "nothing" needs their head read. YOu can do everything you can to prepare for the after, but there is ALWAYS going to be some turbulence after - definitely for me as well. You're not weak - what you're going through in the post comp context of things is normal. Please feel free to email me if you need an ear.
Hugs
LIz :)
Hey Shar, No judgement or advice from me - just a great big hug being sent to you to try and make you feel a little bit better!
: ) Smile Baby, you are a beautiful girl : )
XXXXX
Wow Shar
That was a very powerful post. I am sure most of us in blog land have felt this way at some point in our lives and I found it almost painful to read.
Your obvious pain and distress reminds me of how I felt at Uni during my lowest point.
The solution for me was to get counselling. It doesn't work for everyone but I found a beautiful soul whom I trusted and could confide openly in without judgement. By acknowledging and accepting my feelings I was able to, very slowly, work through them.
I believe that if you have suffered from these types of issues that you will never "fully" be fid of them but I am learning to "control" them. For me this means exercise and a sensible diet have become part of my daily life.
I am sending you positive vibes and lots of hugs and kisses. I hope you feel bettter for unburdening yourself to us.
You are a georgous and unique human being xxx
Hi Shar; your post brought tears to my eyes; as it probably would to anyone else who can feel your pain. I feel like i have been yoyoing between extremes since the age of 13; i can hear the dissapointment in your voice while you're writnig; and i dont think you need to apologise in your post for what you're writing; really if people don't want to read it they can leave the page.
I just wanted to let you know that you have inspired me throughout your journey and your posts and i wanted to wish you a strong and healthy recovery.
kat
Hi Shar,
You are not alone with these feelings, I think Liz has summed it up. And maybe because of your past issues, your feelings are a lot more intense though.
Would like to talk to you in person, so hoping we are still catching up early next month, will call you closer to the day.
Take care :-)
Sam
Hi Shar,
Just to let you know my thouhgts are with you. keep your chin up (o:
Kie xx
Hi Shar,
if you've read my recent posts you'll know that I've been having major struggles too lately. A few weeks up then CRASH I'm all out of control and this cycle just repeats istelf over and over.
I can relate to almost 100% of the things you write about, the feelings you have.
Liz has been absolutely fantastic in helping me and I cant recommend her highly enough. I hope you can reach out and get the help you need.
I've also found that by blogging I get things out that I cant talk to my regular friends about. So stay with it as it will probably help you too.
Take care :-)
Magda
There'll be an email on it's way over to you tonight Shar. Hang in there hun, you are not alone and we're all here to help you if we can. :o) xx
Thanks so much for your comments girls and Thanks for not judging.
I just needed to get it all out.
Shar x
I can recall way too many times when I felt like this Shar. While I have never competed, I have had the feelings of disgust, feeling lost, feeling worthless, never feeling deserving and feeling like you are burdening your partner with everything while sounding like a broken record. During these times Shar I looked to all the blogging girls for inspiration. Can I remind you that last Christmas before you left for the UK you lost 9kgs. 9KGS! You did that Shar - no one else. As a result of your amazing effort and a beautiful figure that I admired and aspired to, I printed off your photo and pasted into my insiration folder. So if anything Shar you have always inspired me to be honest, share my feelings and dig deep. I know from reading your blog over the last year you have the guts to face it and overcome it. I think you are great Shar! I will be checking to see how things go for you.....take care and don't beat yourself up xxx (email me if you ever need to)
You've just said what a lot of us have been too ashamed or nervous to say - good on you for putting it out there.
A big hug to you :)
I hope you got my email Shar. :o) xx
Reading this post really hit home for me, I really feel for you it must be so hard to be in comp shape and work so darn hard to get it and then have to gain weight over the off season, this up and down must be so hard.
But one thing i know is after the short time of reading your blog i know you will get through it! You will find the way :)
Em:)
Shar this was an amazing post. I hope everything comes together for you soon, and I hope that talking to someone else about this really helps. You have got so much support here, sending you big hugs and positive thoughts...
Hilary xx
Hi Shar,
I would have commented sooner, but I really wanted to think about my comment before I wrote it as I think what you are going through deserves a lot more than a quick "Chin up little buckeroo" kind of comment.
I don't think any competitor would be telling you to suck it up and get on with it, because I think that everyone who has competed has experienced some or all of these things on varying levels in their competitive history. I have not yet met one competitor who hasn't, myself included. And while there are other people going through worse things, the fact is that when you are experiencing something like this it doesn't matter what everyone else is going through. This is your own personal nightmare and it affects you just as much as something like a death can affect someone else... it is all relative to the person going through it and you cannot control feelings
The depression you are feeling over this situation has put a dark cloud over everything and you are frightened that you won't ever see the sun again. I can honestly say that you will see the sun again even if it doesn't feel like it at this point in time. Just keep getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other. Try and make the right food choices, but don't get bogged down in counting calories or labelling foods "good or bad". Do the best you can each day and if you make a wrong choice do not beat yourself up over it. This is where the vicious circle begins. You eat what you term "bad" food to make yourself feel better or stuff negative feelings about yourself down, then beat yourself up over it until you feel worse, then eat what you term "bad" food to make yourself feel better, and the cycle continues.
There are more important things at this point in time than dieting... your mental health and the effect it is having on your family is just an example of what is more important. Your whole self-worth is wrapped up in what the number on some scale say and what you see in the mirror (and as women we tend to distort the image in our minds so that what we see usually looks worse than what it actually is). Don't ever forget you are so much more than a number on a scale or ar eflection in a shiny surface. You are a lovely, friendly person who is full of life, a great friend, a loving wife, a sensational mother. daughter and sister and an inspiring fitness leader. Don't let the scale cloud who you are as a person and what is in your heart and your soul. Anyone who has met you has experienced your warmth, sincerity and wit and it saddens me to think that this is being overshadowed by how you are feeling about yourself at this present time and that you are feeling lost.
I totally believe you are doing the right thing in seeking outside help. My turning point came when I decided not to set a comp date and just focussed on getting up each day and trying to make the right choices without putting the pressure of having a comp date looming over my head. This worked for me but whether or not it works for you is another thing. We are all different and what works for one may not work for another.
We are all pulling for you Shar and we really feel for what you are going through, especially those of us that have experienced it. We feel your pain, your frustration, your confusion and your sadness and what that means for you is that although we may not be able to "fix" what you are going through, hopefully knowing you are not alone and have our support will give you comfort. You have an army of people who care about you hoping that you can find that light at the end of the tunnel sooner rather than later.
Take care honey, I am thinking of you and if you need to email me I am at raecattach@yahoo.com.au.
Love Rae xxx
Please always remember what an warm caring and awesome person you are Shar, I think we all go through similar things to some extent or another, I hope you find peace with this and what works long term for you, (((hugs)))
Ali xxx
Sharleen,
Your post brought tears to my eyes too, I see that we all are living the same thing after this weight loss and competition. I am supporting all the way, not here to judge you at all. You always inspired me and I am sure that you are about to "come back to normal" Blogging will help you in expressing your feelings - and finding solutions. You have many friends on your side, and your family is there too. Try to keep positive... :) xxx
Sharleen,
Your post brought tears to my eyes too, I see that we all are living the same thing after this weight loss and competition. I am supporting all the way, not here to judge you at all. You always inspired me and I am sure that you are about to "come back to normal" Blogging will help you in expressing your feelings - and finding solutions. You have many friends on your side, and your family is there too. Try to keep positive... :) xxx
Sorry I couldn't comment earlier.
God knows i know what your going through right now. It's such a struggle on a daily basis, some day good, others bad.
I really understand and feel for you Shar, you have so much support and we all think so much of you.
Hugs,
Deb xxx
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